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Gym’ll fix it for you .....

January: month of foolhardy resolutions and the inevitable broken promises. Month of detoxing, dieting, and resolving to start walking everywhere - even though it's cold enough outside to fleece the skin off your face and so windy  there is a good chance you'll end up wearing the garden shed. Then again you could always join a gym for 500 quid a year...

So you wake up around the 3rd of January (the party started last year) and rummage through a forlorn fridge, emptying half a tin of glutinous butter beans, some chopped up chorizo, a lump of suspiciously blue (is that an entirely new strain of mould?) Gorgonzola and a liberal squish of crusty tomato ketchup into a pan... Ahhhh, comfort food! Surprisingly, it works. Now you won't have to build Jeeves's pick-me-up for his master, Bertie Wooster:

Jeeves's Patented Hangover Cure  
  A cup (a cup!!?) of brandy, juice from a tin of clams, tomato juice to taste, pinch of cayenne pepper, dash of Worcester sauce. Mix together then crack in an (unbroken) raw egg. Dispatch in one go.

Now that is a hair of the dog, even though it sounds like a bad recipe for tomato egg drop soup.

The earlier, highly unlikely, successful forage through your severely neglected fridge has a handy knock on effect now; you can postpone that weeklong cabbage soup only (think nuclear mushroom cloud farts) diet indefinitely. The next resolution - eschewing all dairy - lasts as long as it takes you to break yet another resolution; though shalt not drink. When you not so much fall, as free dive of the wagon, the late night teeth marks in the Wensleydale cheese start mysteriously reappearing.

Self-justification and broken resolutions are never far apart. Cut back on potatoes etc? Actually, you can manage without the etcs, but mince with (much better for you) sweet potatoes is just plain wrong. Detox? You used the fuse from the juicerator thingy to fix the hair tongs, and anyway that beetroot, goji berry and celery smoothie tasted and felt like drinking mercury. Drinking? You really were gonna stop... but you just read an article that categorically states that as long as you top up on zinc, magnesium and vitamin B supplements, it is okay to drink. At least that's how you interpret it... Ach well, it'll have to be that £500 to join the gym.

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